Changes

What a strange phase of life I've entered. I have lost more in the past 2 years than the previous 20 put together and yet, I am uncharacteristically OK. Actually, lost isn't the correct word - change is more like it.

I've never been very comfortable with change , but have usually found that once I get past the initial shock, change can actually be a good thing. I'm waiting to see the good that is going to come from all of the changes that are currently taking place.

Anastasia's illness has brought about a number of changes, some of which will be permanent. I can't imagine that I will ever be able to feel "safe" in this world again. It's not that I'm afraid, really - I have just lost any shred of innocence I had left. I see clearly what an imperfect, unbalanced world this is. One where the gentlest of souls can be cruelly tormented while equally evil souls can roam the Earth completely untethered. One would think that this might cause me to lose my faith, but the opposite has occurred. My faith grows stronger as I watch my daughter courageously fight a constantly challenging demon. She has maintained her strength, dignity, humor, and most of all her beautiful spirit that continues to draw people to her. If anyone had told me what this was going to be like - to watch my vibrant, "healthy" daughter go through all that she has over the past several months, I would have been sure that I would collapse from the weight of it all. But something miraculous happened. Through it all, I have been filled with a sense of peace that can only come from God.

Oh, I have definitely shed rivers of bitter tears, I have raged against the cancer itself, and I have wanted to punch something, anything just to feel some release. I have felt pain literally and figuratively in my heart that has brought me to my knees - and yet, even in the darkest of the darkest I have felt comforted deep within my soul. The part where God breathes and lives in me. He said that He would never give us more than we can handle and recently I told Him he's getting close. Luckily, he has a sense of humor.

Anyway, the point is, that as horrific as Anastasia's diagnosis was and then the frightening ordeal with Bleomycin Toxicity, she keeps getting great reports on her PET scans and always seems to be steered in the best direction for whatever treatment she needs, i.e. Proton Therapy and the connection that her doctor there has to Hodgkins. Anastasia is also blessed with a wide circle of caring, wonderful people who keep her close in their hearts. She is growing and learning more about herself and when she comes through the other end of this whole experience, it is my belief that many good things will have taken place because of it. Changes are happening inside of her that I pray will bring her peace with herself, with others, and with the world as it is.

Because, although it is "imperfect & unbalanced", it can also be captivating and beautiful once you realize it can't be controlled.

When my mother was ill I made her a plaque with the saying "Let Go And Let God".

She loved it and she loved the saying. I think if we could learn to let go - of old wounds, old expectations, guilt, power, control, etc., we would be so much better off. I can say this now, because I have been forced to let go of all of them myself (well, I'm still working on most of them), but as I do let go, I feel so much lighter and know that I need to continue in this process of letting go if I am going to be whole. I'm so tired of being fragmented.

And now the subject I'm avoiding that includes change and letting go - Tifffany will be moving to New York this weekend to go to Graduate school and I have refused to allow myself to really grasp that fact. Every time I begin to think about it or someone asks about it, I try to quickly change the subject or direction of my mind. I can't imagine me living here and her living there. The fear could paralyze me if I let it. So I won't let it.

She has always been quite independent of me, even as a baby. She rarely wanted to be cuddled and was sick through so much of her childhood that I felt cheated from getting to fully enjoy watching her grow up, because I was always so busy trying to keep her alive. I'm sure there were times when she felt I wasn't as supportive as I could have been - not much of a "soccer mom", but I was always there (in her life), watching over her doing my best to keep her safe. That has never been an easy job, because Tiffany has always been unstopable when she wanted to do something. Like going to soccer practice on crutches when she was suffering from Oschgood Schlatter's or eating something she's allergic to fully knowing she would feel the effects later, or tanning in spite of my lectures about the dangers, not to mention going to Japan at the age of 19 and climbing Mount Fuji without an asthma inhaler, always refusing to carry an Epi-pen, and traveling to Europe - ziplining in the Swiss Alps, climbing rock strewn mountains - I could go on & on. She has always lived life on her own terms and so I know that she will be fine in New York and she will accomplish whatever she sets her mind to. A huge peice of my heart will go with her and I will miss her terribly, but I really am happy for her. I will continually pray for her safety & her health & well being. I look forward to hearing about her adventures and can't wait until Christmas when she comes home. Hopefully, after college, she will decide to settle here in beautiful Saint Augustine. I just hope she knows how much I love her and how I cherish the memories of her childhood and the gift her life is to me.

The good news is that no matter what changes in our lives or how far we travel apart from one another, I will always be Anastasia and Tiffany's mother and for that I am eternally grateful !